Here’s my contribution to the 700 Zombies project from the larger 700 Things project.

Zombie #369: Hello Gimpy

Hello Gimpy was killed by zombies in a shopping mall, of all places. Mercifully, his left arm tattoo was left in tact, fueling his inevitable moniker (the tattoo of the Lone Ranger on his right forearm was lost, unfortunately… if it had not been eaten, he would have most likely been called the Bone Ranger). Much like Hello Kitty, he stares forward blankly… his true emotions and thoughts remain inscrutable. Perhaps somewhere in his rotting brain, he longs secretly to have his ghastly visage appear on stickers, lunch pails, folders and other sparkling and shiny plastic geegaws like his iconic inspiration? If so, he sublimates these obscure desires into his anti-social hobby of consuming human flesh.

Note that my good friends at Big Time Attic just added some excellent pirates to the 700 Pirates project!

Here’s my contribution to the 700 Robots project from the larger 700 Things project.

Robot #288: Lumberjack 2.0

Lumberjack 2.0 is the latest in deforestation technology. Far superior to the Lumberjack 1.0 and 1.3, as well as the previous BunyanBot models, Lumberjack 2.0 can whittle a natural acre to lumber, firewood and toothpicks (with the little sculpted lines, like the ones you frequently find in Chinese restaurants) in less than an hour. Best of all, the Lumberjack 2.0 is entirely solar-powered, which works great since shade will soon be in short supply!

Here’s my contribution to the 700 Bunnies project from the larger 700 Things project.

Bunny #253: Bugsy Siegal.

Getting his start selling fermented carrot juice during prohibition, Bugsy Siegal’s activities soon spread out to other illegal ventures. The garden heists were bad enough, but it was his entry into the lucky rabbit foot trade that got him into serious trouble. With the law closing in on him, he high-tailed it out west, where, using his ill-gotten gains, he opened his casino, the Golden Carrot. It wasn’t long before his history caught up with him, though. He was found dead in his penthutch in 1949, strangled with his own ears.

Here’s my contribution to the 700 Pirates project from the larger 700 Things project.

Pirate #10: Ol’ Pinkeye.

As with many pirates, Ol’ Pinkeye was shanghaied at an early age, forced to serve under the infamous Captain Bilgewater as a cabin boy on his decrepit vessel The Syphilitic Sue. An orphan all his life, Ol’ Pinkeye had no home to long for, and circumstance made him a fast home of the seven seas.

His inflamed eye is not the product of conjunctivitis, as his name would imply. He actually is a victim of eye-scurvy… indeed, it could easily be cured with citrus, and Ol’ Pinkeye is well aware of this. However, Ol’ Pinkeye refuses to eat anything but salted pork and that which the sea provides, raw weepy eyeball be damned.